Chapter Closing

Winter has hit with avengence. Two weeks ago we were at plus five...Now its somewhere below zero...again. So I'm trying to be positive about it. The only problem is the extreme weather (that they were late by two days in telling the rest of the freakin' world about) I'm hoping it will help with building the Christmas Spirit which is zilch, none and not there. Even the idea of setting up a tree is nauseating at the moment. Suffice to say there won't be a whole lot of baking this year.

I'm looking for a job. I want a full time permanent position. I have three that I would love to get and have applied. But I really don't want to walk in this weather. I will but I'll be bitching the entire way there and back. Its funny everybody I have said to that I am looking for work give me the, "shouldn't you start off with part time". Let's see, I've been putting in about twenty to thirty hours at the theatre a week. I've already got things rolling in the right direction and now I think I have the confidence to work. I just didn't want to fail at another job, so I put myself to the test as President of the theatre. I wanted to prove to myself that I could do it and continue to do it. So now I think I would like a job that pays a little more than than just satisfaction.

My dogs won't go out. GiGi is prancing on two legs three feet from the door. Buster is acting like we are punishing him with the snow and Dudley...well he has decided if the other two aren't, then he's not. The cat hisses at me when I open the door and she sees snow. Like I'm the one that put all that white stuff out there. The Chihuahuas are the only two dogs gaily going outside still. And they have no tolerance for the cold being a Mexican breed.

I'm getting a job partly to pay the debt off but I'm also working so that I can have a few things like teeth and sight. I would like to buy new shoes, clothes and make up. I have four eyeliners, sparkles (left over from my role in Wizard of Oz) and a mascara. GiGi ate my lipsticks.

Here's the other thing. I think I'm ready to give it a whirl and prove to myself that I can do this. I've got my tools in place and I've got a healthier mind. Albeit it doesn't think the same way it used. It can't, too much damage from too many curve balls and too much reacting to the curve balls. Now I let the curve ball hit, absorb the impact and decide which reaction is appropriate. It can take a week but when I do react, I have found people listen because I have taken the time to reason out the facts.

I have applied the same tactic to my marriage. Its been no secret that Hubby and I have hit a rocky patch. Things the past two years since his brother's death haven't been easy. Things came to a head and the tire burst. I have not worn my rings since. I have done so much writing in my journal this past while sorting everything out that my journal cringes now when I approach it. How I view it, this is the end of a chapter in a story of life. How we begin the next chapter, whether walking side by side or alone is up to Hubby. This isn't a sad thing. I love that man with all my heart, and want to see things through, but I can't continue in a marriage with only one of us trying to fix it. I have hope but in the mean time, I'm preparing for the worst.

I'm also looking forward to the new chapter no matter what it be. Life can't remain the same or you get stagnant. I watched that happen at the theatre, I'm stagnant creatively at the moment. It happens and that's when I switch things up. Mind you, the shake up now, wasn't quite what I expected but then I've learned to roll with things a little better...once I've put my thoughts into my journal for a week straight. I hate writer's cramp.

I'll have to change the title of my blog...Hmmmm...I think I'll have a coffee and ponder the new name.

The Legacy of Longblades

I'm very proud of this little story. Artist and I one afternoon a couple of years ago were having a discussion by the fishpond. I had made the comment, that in a historical novel you can't make a pirate ship disappear. She argued you could and then gave me a challenge. Write a story set in the past in the same manner I would writing a Sci-fi and she included a pirate ship disappearing and reappearing else where. I had so much fun writing this story and I think I met the challenge.

Here's the blurb:

"When she arrived on the docks she carried only a sack and a mysterious old map that she suspected was connected to her grandfather. Cynthia Dell was on the hunt for the notorious Captain, known as the "Fury of the Seven Seas", a man who lived on the edge of piracy.

With the idea of treasure in her head, Cynthia propositioned the infamous Captain and crew of the Cimmerian Lady to help her seek what lay at the end of the route. On the tumultuous voyage of unlocking the secrets to the map, the Captain Feirgh took it upon himself to unlock the secret treasures of Cynthia’s passion."

It's rated Spicy.

It's out of my typical genre but it was fun to divert for a bit. Now I'm right back into the future for a while. I'm really hoping to get the next one finished for a bit but my next entry will explain why I haven't been on the blog for a bit.

Okay...that and camping...and the theatre...and the beagles.

Sorting out thoughts

I need to sort out thoughts and put them some where and in my journal just isn't satisfying enough. The kids I look after were away on vacation and I, to my surprise missed them. Yesterday they came by for a quick visit. Well, I was greeted with huge hugs. Did it ever make my day.

You see, when I was a mother of a young child as much as I tried to be a good mom, my mental illness started to take hold and right when it was most important I failed her because I was too intent on proving my mother and cousin wrong. Hence the mental illness part. Looking back it seems like I was a totally different person.

I was. Now I'm hangin' with two cool kids and I realize at this moment, what a cool kid I had of my own.... and I completely missed it. She has grown into an amazing young woman who is forging her own path and setting things on her terms within the family.

I also realize that we are the parents of adult children longer than we are the parents of a baby or five or fifteen year old. It's is more important now for the relationship to be stable. But it's when they are young that we build and establish the relationship.

My mother's mental illness raised us to be dependant on our parents as she was hers. That is not how I wanted my daughter to be. I wanted her to stand on her own to feet and manage her own affairs. But not in the manner I raised her either. I was following the footsteps but then my own mental illness started to take hold and she became the victim of it. She was not the only one.

My husband was a victim as well and so were the animals. I look back on the wake and cringe. But then everything changed after the breakdown. I don't think like I used to. I'm trying to comprehend some the aspects of fundraising for the theatre but I have a hard time understanding the written outlines. I can't wrap my mind around some things and Hubby has a hard time with it. I feel broken at times, useless because I can't work out in the world and overwhelmed by it all.

Life is scary and I have a hard time meeting just the simplest of challenges. And then my daughter shows up. She reminds me that I met the hardest challenge of all, and that I am not that person anymore and that I am mentally healthier. She still needs me as a Mommy once in a while and those moments are precious.

Sunday Coffee Break

Dudley, Buster and GiGi.

aKa-The Beagle Bunch

And Dudley make three! Dudley came to us a couple of weeks ago. I guess with losing Winston and then Patches, the Fates decided that we needed another older dog to keep the balance. Dudley is nine years old and needed GiGi and Buster. They have been helping him get in touch with his inner Beagleness as Hubby and I try to break all his good habits. And that is a mole on Dudley's face which we are going to have removed. Our livestyle is becoming very active and we don't want to take a chance at something catching it. Three Beagles and two Chihuahua's are the proud owners of us. They make for a very cohesive group.

As I mentioned earlier our lifestyle has taken a dramatic turn. As the lack of blogs suggest, we haven't been around the computers or tv lately. We are completely outfitted for camping to the point of where we are a complete self-contained little camping unit, (pics to come next blog because I can't find them anywhere and I know we have them) down to the solar shower unit. I can't wait until we go next. I have to admit, the tent trailer for as old as it is (1972) has to be the most comfortable thing to sleep in. It may sound rather silly but when we have the entire thing set up with the camp kitchen and camping stove/oven out front, it feel very luxurious. The best thing is the dogs love it. We will find out about Dudley.

The cool thing about the solar shower is really worked. Hot steaming water came out of this little black bag. We now have two of them. I want one for the dishes and washing up. Hubby is now rethinking the whole solar hot water system on the house now. I love the curves on the Road to Solar Hell, it makes the trip a whole lot more interesting.

My garden is suffering from the lack of attention. I was in a war with the ants and losing until I bought ant killer. Screw the home made crap, I was in a battle to the death and they were winning. It went from a little tiny ant hill to a city inside of a week. I was losing plants left and right. I felt like General Patton going win with both guns loaded once I had the ant killer in my hands. Now the weeds are laughing at me as I pull them back from my chives. We have had a good mix of sun and rain this year which definitely bolstered my garden. Bolstered, Hell, bolting is more the word.

We have discovered I can not go without the fish pond. It happens to be essential to my mental health. Hubby was set back a bit by a pond pump giving out which also set back getting the pond running. I was heading straight and hard into mania and I couldn't pull the brakes. Until I realized the lack of the fish pond wasn't helping. I sat for three days in between the rain by the pond getting my fill.

I've returned to my artwork to help curb the mania. I'm not sure what we are going to do this winter but something has to be set up. Its a massage for the eyes and ears out by the pond. I really have to watch the amount of stimulation.

Which is why I'm thinking of limiting my exposure to the theatre. I'm thinking of shifting my focus entirely on the management end of things to get us up and running. As much as the plays are fun, if we have no where to perform then as a troop we are screwed.

I also realize that my writing suffers and that is frustrating. I have three stories lined up and because of obligations and planning I have to keep setting it aside. So tonight at the meeting I'm explaining that I am setting up a studio/office and I will only be available evenings and weekends. And if I were my boss, I'd probably fire my ass as I am not taking my talents a bit more seriously. If I want a book published then I had better start taking my writing a lot more seriously.

I'm looking forward to it.

Life's been fun lately.

It's already the middle of summer and I haven't sat by the fish pond once. Why? The fish are still in the basement. Oh well, but to compensate we have been camping. I tried to get the pics for the blog but my puter's having issues.

Last year we bought the tent trailer. This year we bought a camping two burner range. The little oven works like a charm. It has to be regulated like an old wood stove with venting to keep the temp even and I discovered that cast iron works way better to help with the control. We already had the double sink camp kitchen unit. We also added a little tent biffy that can hold my port-a -pottie (the bladder ain't what it used to be) and our solar water shower, another new addition. (I'm getting to that part of the story). With the outdoor/indoor carpet for under the canopy of the tent trailer, we have a nice little set up. Of course it only takes eight hours to set up. Okay that may be a wee bit of an exaggeration. It does however make for very nice camping.

I made the mistake of mentioning to my parents that we were going camping. The bug bit my father. Big time. He loves to travel and retiring means they can't afford to travel the way they used to. My mother is nervous of traveling because of her health. A truck and trailer solved the problem. So along I went to help them spend my sister's part of our inheritance. (She doesn't read this so she won't know until much much later.) I was teasing them saying that all we needed was the solar water shower and we would be a self-contained unit...

Hubby bought the solar shower. And we are now a self-contained camping unit if we need to be. But the joke is more or less on me. You see, the water from the solar shower was steaming hot after sitting in the sun for three hours. And when I saw the steaming hot water I was forced to admit that the road to solar hell was not such a bad idea. Now Hubby, on the other hand is rethinking the way he is doing the solar water heater for the house.

Even though the joke was on me, I got the last laugh. Sitting in our backyard are ten deep cell batteries that belong to my father. He has decided he wants to put his garage on solar power. Hubby is helping my dad and its kinda cool to see. There has been such a rift for so long that I was never sure it was going to heal. The Road to Solar Hell seems to have bridged the gap a little.

Of course, I'm still giggling at my mother. She hasn't a clue of what is going to hit her. But I very warmly welcomed her to the Road to Solar Hell and did explain that there is no turn off or pee breaks. I thought I would leave the wind tunnel and magnetic fields as a surprise stop along the road. Why spoil all the fun at once.

I will say this, all because of a little five gallon black bladder with a spout, I am happily on the Road to Solar Hell...but I still retain the right to bitch and complain about the lack of turn offs and pee breaks. (Its written in the fine print of our marriage that I can retain all bitching and complaining rights. His right is to give the cause of said bitching rights)

***

On a completely different note, I have been at war with the ants and losing. I've tried all the home/green/eco/organic ways to get rid of the little invaders. After losing two strawberry plants I got angry. I couldn't even enjoy my garden they had taken over so much.

I got mad and started pouring boiling water all over the nest then called Hubby, I needed reinforcement and I needed the big guns. He brought home ant killer...two kinds...

I entered my garden like a lone soldier on a mission to save his home turf. I sprayed, they tried to run but I was faster. I won the battle.

Now to win the war.

Finally a quiet moment...

Wow, its been a month since I've blogged. Time goes so fast these days that I lose half the day in an hour. Its been an interesting month to say the least but things are a now down to a dull roar.

Things with the theatre so far are going according to my business plan. Our group got a little stagnant and things went awry as per the usual when its a group of three or more. So as Pres, I had to take a look at where we wanted to be and how the hell were we going to get there. I have never relied on so much of my pulp mill experience as I have had to these last two months. So I studied the numbers, the people, the club and our original goals. After the panic attack and anxiety attack settled I realised that our cozy little club was in a do or die situation and that if everything came crashing down I would be the one having to answer to everybody. Everybody else gets to walk away, I on the other hand have to talk to the creditors and what ever else that will want our blood. So hence the attacks.

After a little soul searching and a much needed therapy appointment I dived into cave and didn't emerge until I came out with a plan. I used my Dad as my example of when he was pulp mill manager and boy to I understand a lot more of what he went through. (And what I put him through) I think the idea of a business plan and a path as to how we can get there gave some modicum of comfort. And instead of listening to other people, I'm listening to my gut to forge ahead.

I finally got my garden planted. Its much different this year as I added a red currant bush and a saskatoon bush in it. A friend from down the street gave me her rasberry suckers and I have them along the back of the fence. (If I ever get pics I'll put them on) I planted potatoes, peas, carrots, beets, swiss chard and tomatoes. I added a couple of more strawberry plants and made the patch larger. Ran out of room for the peas so I tossed a couple of small rows in my flower bed. So long as GiGi quits helping me I might get a couple of peas.

I've been helping out a friend by looking after her two little girls. One is six who is full of vim and vinegar with a very creative imagination. Her sister is one and a half and is a little dolly. She reminds me of my daughter at the same age toddling around the house, only this little one is much happier. The old dogs are a little unsure of the situation. The Beagles are a different story. Buster loves the little one and GiGi prefers the six year old so it works out quite well for the both of them.

The road to Solar Hell has made a sharp curve into my garden. Hubby set up three rain barrels by the house to catch the rain and dug an hose undergound to my garden. There he has set up a battery connected to a solar panel that runs the pump which brings the rainwater to my hose to water the garden. Its a nice little system he set up I will admit but...is nothing sacred on the Road to Solar Hell? I'm afraid of what he will think of to improve the laundery line outside.

Hubby just came in all excited. Some where in town has solar panels on sale. Lucky me, I get to go for a shopping trip to look at solar panels. Will the fun and joy of it never end.

One last little note before I dash off this exciting excursion Hubby has planned for us, a story I wrote for Artist one Christmas called the Legacy of Longblades is going to be published. Artist gave me a challenge and it was to write a scene where a pirate ship disappears then reappears some where else. Hence the story of Cynthia Dell aka Madam Longblades came to be. I am really tickled about this one as its a historical fantasy short novella and a little different from my futuristic. (That one should be done this summer) I can't wait to see the artwork for it. Should be fun.

Well I guess its time to get back on the Road to Solar Hell as Hubby is patiently waiting for me.

I already miss my garden.

The sun is finally shining, birds are twittering in the trees and my tulips are up getting ready to bloom. I haven't had a chance to even think about getting into the garden as of yet. This theatre thing keeps interferring. I'm glad the final show has been put to bed so we can now concentrate on getting the political crap out of the way and start running our theatre. I would love to write a script for a day time soap opera about the people and politics but a)I wouldn't know where to start and b) apparently they like believable scripts.

The tent trailer is up and airing out. We are already trying to figure out the first weekend we can go camping depsite all the work that needs to be done in the yard and on the house. It becomes a toss up as to what we can ignore for the longest. Personally, I'm all for ignoring it all until the dust bunnies become violent and start attacking the Chihuahua's but Hubby tends to get a little grumpy about that.

The dishes are waiting to be cleaned but its a nice day out and I think I will take advantage of it. My garden is looking a little gothic and needs to be picked up and cleaned out. I finally can go play in the dirt. I love the feel of the dirt. For a kid who hated the sand box I sure love my garden dirt. I think I like the process of planning it from where I want to expand the strawberry patch to which direction to plant the beets. I've missed my garden.

On that note...

It's Done!!! Now what?

I went to my hotmail account to log in and see the account as I have only used it as a login for this blog. Lo and behold I could not get into see my email account. Now this baffles me as I have been logging on to this site for years and the email account was no where to be found. The wonders of cyber space and the way it shouldn't work.

Wizard of Oz finally closed. I'm going to miss Aunty Em and Glinda. It was a challenge playing two roles and two distinct personalities. Aunty Em was tired and a little grumpy especially with the farm hands and Glinda was sparkly and light. My singing still needs work but I got the songs out as best I could. I guess I did okay as I was complemented several nights on my duality. I'm really going to miss working with this cast. They deserve to relax as they have been working so hard on lines, songs and dancing. I don't actually get to relax until tomorrow as I have a meeting. I hate meetings. I especially hate them now as I always miss some kind of protocol. The book doesn't help I only get even more confused. But having totally digressed from the topic as per the usual, it was a very successful show.

We had six standing ovations, one for each show, but I'm still saying it was for Toto. The little dog stole the show in every way possible. Closing night, final hug between Aunty Em and Dorthy, just as the curtain close, Toto decides to give us kisses. That little dog knew his cues better than some of us humans. If we weren't being upstaged by the dog, it was the kids who played the munchkins/winkies/flying monkeys who were stealing the show. And what a great bunch of kids. All of them talented, supportive and very very engerectic.

We ran the gauntlet of chicken pox, colds, flus, nerves, anxiety attacks, and a few mental disorders rising up. That was just a small portion, then we had our share of behind the scenes dramas, work issues, family issues and keeping the cast from all the political BS that the city and legion dished out. To top that all off, we even had a problem with a very intoxicated and amorous audience member. Did I mention the politics of the club to add to the mix. I am surprised any of us came out sane. (Using the term loosely especially in my case) I swear I should write a soap opera based on a drama theatre. The sad thing is, from talking to other people belonging to other clubs and not just theatre, this is the norm. It has been a learning experience for all involved and a growing spurt for the club that did include the pain. A lot of it.

The most important thing of all, is that the patrons went home with a smile on their faces. That's all that matters in end. They are the ones who pay to us to entertain them. With each production, there is a set of challenges, whether it be script intensive or the complexity of the set or how the sounds will carry through out a full audience. What amazes me, is no matter the challenge, we have managed so far to overcome and outdo ourselves each time. I have to say as a member of this club, I am terrified of what they will come up with next. I'm waiting for the ropes and levers to make a cast member fly across the stage.

My house is showing the neglect. Dustbunnies are multiplying as I type. I really do wonder how the working people do it. Home, work, family and then they add theatre to really intensify the stress. There is a back log of laundery and dishes waiting for me and of course as I sit here I can see the floor and walls are in sad need of attention.

Screw it. I'm going to go play the Wii and pretend I can wave a wand and make it all disappear.

Morning!

Yeah, about this weather everybody has been experiencing lately; tell me again how this has nothing to do with global warming? I have no doubt it is climate change, but what it's changing to is my question? Chicago is hit by the worst snow storm in mid western history(The warnings were hitting Canadian borders while it was still building over Texas): Austraila is being battered by sunami's and cyclones(I've heard from one friend she's okay, and Scribble was still blogging as of the 1st so I relaxed -a little): Russia experience's a heat wave right out of a disaster movie. Need we review the disasters that have occured. Personally I think its Mother Nature buiding up to give humanity one hell of a spanking.

In our own house, I have one dog shedding like there is no tomorrow. Normally at this time of the year, Patches has a thick, sparkley long white coat. This year, he looks like a neglected street dog. I comb him but within an hour it doesn't look like I've done a thing. The cat is ticked off because every time she goes outside there is this frozen white stuff on the ground. The Beagles try get rambunctious but when they have to plough through the snow, they get a little cold.

Bunnies have been rampant this year. Have you ever tried to pull off a 55lb Beagle from the scent of a bunny? Let me tell you its not easy. I knew the minute I saw the bunny tracks it would be a matter of nano-seconds before he caught the scent. I hadn't finished the thought when Gigi and I went flying into the back alley. Not even a fresh blanket of snow could hide that delectable fragrance from Buster's nose. His muzzle dove into the white and billows of fresh powder snow plumed out from his face. He came up once for air, sneezed and then was back into the dive. I tried for half a block to pull him off and finally got his attention at the end. I think the trail ended but I couldn't be sure as he looked up at me and then to the bunny trail slowly being closed over by tire tracks and footprints. He was quite happy to come home for lunch. I went for a soak and tried to reattach my arm to it's socket.

This play is killing me. I have learned a very valuble lesson in this. I will never go from one play to another again. I was nuts, not only didn't I stay in a nice comfy role that would not have required the all the work we are doing, I decide on a whim to challenge myself. Just to intensify the experience of it all. Now I do believe that a director should have an idea of what it is like to stand up on stage and do the things demanded of them that they demand of others. That's just me, because as a director myself, I have a damn good understanding of what I am asking of my actors and crew. Because I give 110% (or give it a damn good try) I expect it of my directors, actors and crew. I'm panicking cause I still am screwing up on my songs, flubbling lines and the set is waiting for me to finish painting it. If I'm freaking out at this point, I can't imagine what the directors are feeling at this point.

I guess I have procrastinated enough on the housework.

And Visions of Munchkins Lurking in my Head

Christmas is done, the New Year has started and I'm grateful the hooplah is over with. As a kid I loved the season and even when I was a young mother I looked forward to the season. Now its dealing with a cluttered house, grumpy husband and the stress of the finacial aspect of it all. So to help eliminated some of it for next year, I've already started buying gifts for next year from the sales this year. (And I have found some skookum gifts for very reasonable prices) Next year Hubby is going up north to his family and I'll stay back with my family. As for the clutter, I've already planned out what is going to be out next year and where. Hubby's villiage is going to have a different spot because one of the trees will be in its place to shake things up a bit.

What has been taking up most of our lives these days, has been the theatre. I'm at rehearsals now between three and four times while Hubby is working on the sounds. I came home one night to my house sounding like we had been invaded by cows. Hubby's work space is the basement (loosely termed, more like dug out with cemented floor) which has the furnace and all the duct work. It being metal, it carries the sounds he is working on all through the house. My house has been full of chicks, cows, wind, explosions and my favourite the dog barking. He had all the dogs in a tizzy looking for the dog barking somewhere in the house. Even the two little ones got in on the action of course started by GiGi. Lucky me, he has now moved on to the monkey and gorilla sounds for the Winkies. I've gone from a farm to a zoo. No wonder the house is in a pickle.

This production has been the most challenging play we have done so far. Not only for the cast but for the crew as well. Technical wise our director has set her sights higher than some of us have gone before but hey, we don't know what we can do until we try. Not only does the cast have kids but a dog as well. The two things that send shivers down directors' backs. WC Feilds I believe said he would never work with either. Its in a way asking for trouble as you never know what they will do or say. You know, we really lucked out. I'm hoping a couple stick around as permenant members. A couple have behaveral problems, hell I have behaveral problems but we work with it rather than against it.

Three kids in peticular have wormed their way into my heart. One is a great little boy with loads of talent but a little unsure. Another is a fifteen year old who is very lovely but very introverted. The third happens to be a little boy who is nothing but all heart with his lines and singing. They are all great kids but those three are the ones that I like to see smile. The coolest thing is watching these kids blossom. And on the whole they are well behaved. Can't ask for anything more.

I will how ever be glad when its done. I have a membership list to put together in a simple manner, a book to finish, artwork to be finished and a house with dustbunnies still rampaging.

Artist just dropped by. She is in town awaiting the birth of her grand child. Times are changing yet again. But I think this little one arriving soon, is the sign of a new beginning. A beginning that will be very welcomed by all.