Winter has hit with avengence. Two weeks ago we were at plus five...Now its somewhere below zero...again. So I'm trying to be positive about it. The only problem is the extreme weather (that they were late by two days in telling the rest of the freakin' world about) I'm hoping it will help with building the Christmas Spirit which is zilch, none and not there. Even the idea of setting up a tree is nauseating at the moment. Suffice to say there won't be a whole lot of baking this year.
I'm looking for a job. I want a full time permanent position. I have three that I would love to get and have applied. But I really don't want to walk in this weather. I will but I'll be bitching the entire way there and back. Its funny everybody I have said to that I am looking for work give me the, "shouldn't you start off with part time". Let's see, I've been putting in about twenty to thirty hours at the theatre a week. I've already got things rolling in the right direction and now I think I have the confidence to work. I just didn't want to fail at another job, so I put myself to the test as President of the theatre. I wanted to prove to myself that I could do it and continue to do it. So now I think I would like a job that pays a little more than than just satisfaction.
My dogs won't go out. GiGi is prancing on two legs three feet from the door. Buster is acting like we are punishing him with the snow and Dudley...well he has decided if the other two aren't, then he's not. The cat hisses at me when I open the door and she sees snow. Like I'm the one that put all that white stuff out there. The Chihuahuas are the only two dogs gaily going outside still. And they have no tolerance for the cold being a Mexican breed.
I'm getting a job partly to pay the debt off but I'm also working so that I can have a few things like teeth and sight. I would like to buy new shoes, clothes and make up. I have four eyeliners, sparkles (left over from my role in Wizard of Oz) and a mascara. GiGi ate my lipsticks.
Here's the other thing. I think I'm ready to give it a whirl and prove to myself that I can do this. I've got my tools in place and I've got a healthier mind. Albeit it doesn't think the same way it used. It can't, too much damage from too many curve balls and too much reacting to the curve balls. Now I let the curve ball hit, absorb the impact and decide which reaction is appropriate. It can take a week but when I do react, I have found people listen because I have taken the time to reason out the facts.
I have applied the same tactic to my marriage. Its been no secret that Hubby and I have hit a rocky patch. Things the past two years since his brother's death haven't been easy. Things came to a head and the tire burst. I have not worn my rings since. I have done so much writing in my journal this past while sorting everything out that my journal cringes now when I approach it. How I view it, this is the end of a chapter in a story of life. How we begin the next chapter, whether walking side by side or alone is up to Hubby. This isn't a sad thing. I love that man with all my heart, and want to see things through, but I can't continue in a marriage with only one of us trying to fix it. I have hope but in the mean time, I'm preparing for the worst.
I'm also looking forward to the new chapter no matter what it be. Life can't remain the same or you get stagnant. I watched that happen at the theatre, I'm stagnant creatively at the moment. It happens and that's when I switch things up. Mind you, the shake up now, wasn't quite what I expected but then I've learned to roll with things a little better...once I've put my thoughts into my journal for a week straight. I hate writer's cramp.
I'll have to change the title of my blog...Hmmmm...I think I'll have a coffee and ponder the new name.
