Sorting out thoughts

I need to sort out thoughts and put them some where and in my journal just isn't satisfying enough. The kids I look after were away on vacation and I, to my surprise missed them. Yesterday they came by for a quick visit. Well, I was greeted with huge hugs. Did it ever make my day.

You see, when I was a mother of a young child as much as I tried to be a good mom, my mental illness started to take hold and right when it was most important I failed her because I was too intent on proving my mother and cousin wrong. Hence the mental illness part. Looking back it seems like I was a totally different person.

I was. Now I'm hangin' with two cool kids and I realize at this moment, what a cool kid I had of my own.... and I completely missed it. She has grown into an amazing young woman who is forging her own path and setting things on her terms within the family.

I also realize that we are the parents of adult children longer than we are the parents of a baby or five or fifteen year old. It's is more important now for the relationship to be stable. But it's when they are young that we build and establish the relationship.

My mother's mental illness raised us to be dependant on our parents as she was hers. That is not how I wanted my daughter to be. I wanted her to stand on her own to feet and manage her own affairs. But not in the manner I raised her either. I was following the footsteps but then my own mental illness started to take hold and she became the victim of it. She was not the only one.

My husband was a victim as well and so were the animals. I look back on the wake and cringe. But then everything changed after the breakdown. I don't think like I used to. I'm trying to comprehend some the aspects of fundraising for the theatre but I have a hard time understanding the written outlines. I can't wrap my mind around some things and Hubby has a hard time with it. I feel broken at times, useless because I can't work out in the world and overwhelmed by it all.

Life is scary and I have a hard time meeting just the simplest of challenges. And then my daughter shows up. She reminds me that I met the hardest challenge of all, and that I am not that person anymore and that I am mentally healthier. She still needs me as a Mommy once in a while and those moments are precious.

Sunday Coffee Break

Dudley, Buster and GiGi.

aKa-The Beagle Bunch

And Dudley make three! Dudley came to us a couple of weeks ago. I guess with losing Winston and then Patches, the Fates decided that we needed another older dog to keep the balance. Dudley is nine years old and needed GiGi and Buster. They have been helping him get in touch with his inner Beagleness as Hubby and I try to break all his good habits. And that is a mole on Dudley's face which we are going to have removed. Our livestyle is becoming very active and we don't want to take a chance at something catching it. Three Beagles and two Chihuahua's are the proud owners of us. They make for a very cohesive group.

As I mentioned earlier our lifestyle has taken a dramatic turn. As the lack of blogs suggest, we haven't been around the computers or tv lately. We are completely outfitted for camping to the point of where we are a complete self-contained little camping unit, (pics to come next blog because I can't find them anywhere and I know we have them) down to the solar shower unit. I can't wait until we go next. I have to admit, the tent trailer for as old as it is (1972) has to be the most comfortable thing to sleep in. It may sound rather silly but when we have the entire thing set up with the camp kitchen and camping stove/oven out front, it feel very luxurious. The best thing is the dogs love it. We will find out about Dudley.

The cool thing about the solar shower is really worked. Hot steaming water came out of this little black bag. We now have two of them. I want one for the dishes and washing up. Hubby is now rethinking the whole solar hot water system on the house now. I love the curves on the Road to Solar Hell, it makes the trip a whole lot more interesting.

My garden is suffering from the lack of attention. I was in a war with the ants and losing until I bought ant killer. Screw the home made crap, I was in a battle to the death and they were winning. It went from a little tiny ant hill to a city inside of a week. I was losing plants left and right. I felt like General Patton going win with both guns loaded once I had the ant killer in my hands. Now the weeds are laughing at me as I pull them back from my chives. We have had a good mix of sun and rain this year which definitely bolstered my garden. Bolstered, Hell, bolting is more the word.

We have discovered I can not go without the fish pond. It happens to be essential to my mental health. Hubby was set back a bit by a pond pump giving out which also set back getting the pond running. I was heading straight and hard into mania and I couldn't pull the brakes. Until I realized the lack of the fish pond wasn't helping. I sat for three days in between the rain by the pond getting my fill.

I've returned to my artwork to help curb the mania. I'm not sure what we are going to do this winter but something has to be set up. Its a massage for the eyes and ears out by the pond. I really have to watch the amount of stimulation.

Which is why I'm thinking of limiting my exposure to the theatre. I'm thinking of shifting my focus entirely on the management end of things to get us up and running. As much as the plays are fun, if we have no where to perform then as a troop we are screwed.

I also realize that my writing suffers and that is frustrating. I have three stories lined up and because of obligations and planning I have to keep setting it aside. So tonight at the meeting I'm explaining that I am setting up a studio/office and I will only be available evenings and weekends. And if I were my boss, I'd probably fire my ass as I am not taking my talents a bit more seriously. If I want a book published then I had better start taking my writing a lot more seriously.

I'm looking forward to it.