Aaaaaaand now heeeeeereee's Mania. So of course I can do eighty thousand things in a day. I figured out that Wonderwoman and the other female super heroes, were all bipolar and stuck in manic mode. At least I'm a little more productive in the mode...not that the house is showing it.
The dynamic of the house has shifted from two to three. To make a very long and traumatic story short, our sixteen year old dog sitter needed a place to live. Within three hours Hubby had the study cleared out and a bed room set up for her. She is lovely, bright and has a razor sharp sense of humor. She has a part time job and is educating herself by correspondence through the school system. We got to know her this summer, as she is Miss S's younger brother's girlfriend. He would come here to visit with his sister as Miss S is always here.
Its funny having a teenager in the house again. There were so many things that I had forgotten about. The noise, the friends, and the boyfriend. Its a good thing they are really good kids even to the point of where they understand and work with me when I'm having a rough day. She tends to on those days (only two so far) make me laugh.
The weather finally turned nice although it keeps threatening to dip in a few days. We've been taking advantage of the weather and I've been watching Hubby rake and re-rake the leaves. Its great fun, he will just have gotten a lovely pile together and the Beagles will come rampaging through it. Its so much fun to watch. Especially when Hubby has piled the leaves into a large mound that can be plowed then trailed. Autumn is the best time to be a Beagle.
So I auditioned for a part that I don't expect to get just because the last one I auditioned for I thought I had a fair shot at. So when I got dumped on my ass, I learned like I did in dog shows, just because you think you have a chance to prove your breed/talent doesn't mean it will happen. I hate the lessons of humility. They suck big time. So we will see what happens. I did audition my mom's Australian Terrier. I think he has a better chance at a role than I do.
Sunday, October 03, 2010
Sunday, September 12, 2010
It rains when Change comes to town
It's a quiet Sunday morning and the sun is even gleaming through my front window. We have had one of the worst summer's ever here as the ground never fully dried out from the rain. The only bit of a break we got, we were under siege from smoke billowing from the British Columbia forest fires. We couldn't win. My back yard is like a great big mud puddle. I know we needed the water, but for the past three weeks, we never got three days in a row it feels like, without one of them being wet. I only watered my garden twice this year as mother nature did the rest.
But now the leaves are changing. Soon our little town will be an Autumn spectacle of golds, reds and even a smack of purple as the green retreats. The air will be that little bit crisper and the nights grow longer. Its seems this year, we are not the only ones with leaves falling, as usually our trees are bare by the end of September. When I look down the street, I see the colours starting in other yards. Change is all about.
Its hard, when I look down the street and I know that Artist is no longer five house down but twenty minutes and several stop lights away. It feels empty on that side of the street. Soon my other neighbours will be leaving, one this November and another this spring. I realized as Artist was moving that I am not good with changes as much as I would like to be.
I do not greet it with a sense of adventure, its more like a streaming of tears with the urge to run away and avoid it. The problem with that, is when the change hits, I'm fighting it twice as hard and losing all the way down. I have always spouted that without change we cannot grow...well...I wish to remain stunted until the last possible minute so the growth spurt is painful. I do not accept it gracefully, its usually with a runny nose and red puffy eyes. I have since a child hated changes as they meant for me, my whole world was rocked. (We know why now) And that was even if the change was for the better.
Hubby just got up and we checked the weather as he wants to go fishing. Yup, more rain. For the next two weeks we have three days without it. I'm going to go look for my umbrella now... after I finish my coffee
But now the leaves are changing. Soon our little town will be an Autumn spectacle of golds, reds and even a smack of purple as the green retreats. The air will be that little bit crisper and the nights grow longer. Its seems this year, we are not the only ones with leaves falling, as usually our trees are bare by the end of September. When I look down the street, I see the colours starting in other yards. Change is all about.
Its hard, when I look down the street and I know that Artist is no longer five house down but twenty minutes and several stop lights away. It feels empty on that side of the street. Soon my other neighbours will be leaving, one this November and another this spring. I realized as Artist was moving that I am not good with changes as much as I would like to be.
I do not greet it with a sense of adventure, its more like a streaming of tears with the urge to run away and avoid it. The problem with that, is when the change hits, I'm fighting it twice as hard and losing all the way down. I have always spouted that without change we cannot grow...well...I wish to remain stunted until the last possible minute so the growth spurt is painful. I do not accept it gracefully, its usually with a runny nose and red puffy eyes. I have since a child hated changes as they meant for me, my whole world was rocked. (We know why now) And that was even if the change was for the better.
Hubby just got up and we checked the weather as he wants to go fishing. Yup, more rain. For the next two weeks we have three days without it. I'm going to go look for my umbrella now... after I finish my coffee
Friday, August 20, 2010
Just getting stuff out of my head.
So last post we were heading out camping with our huge tent and the dogs. Well, the littlest one went into shake mode as the camping stuff came out. Another dog hid so we decided to take Winston (the Airedale) and the two beagles. It was a good weekend but not so much for Hubby. To sum things up...Hubby bought a 1972 tent trailer that is in great condition and very comfortable. And now he is much happier to go tenting. We took it out for a weekend and did nothing but just sit inside and look around enjoying the trailer. I will admit that it was much more comfortable than sleeping on the ground in a tent. Must be that age thing settling in.
My garden has taken off and this year I will finally get produce. We have been munching on snap peas and lettuce. My potato hills are looking more like mountains. Every time I commented to Mom on my potatoes at the various stages, she would respond "Just keep hilling." I have no more dirt to hill with so I gave up and decided to just weed the terrain rather that keeping stealing dirt from other locations. The beets are getting bigger and my tomato plants actually have tomatoes on them. Not just one or two like last year, this year there is lots and they are a good size. My corn even looks like I might get an ear or two. Its a little more satisfying when looking out on to it. I would have pictures but, there was a little episode one morning that involved me, a room with a closed door and my determination to destroy everything within sight. It didn't last long but long enough there was a few things lost. My camera was one of them.
My therapist explained that it was my Bipolar kicking in and some people go through that on a daily basis. For me it was a total overload of emotions that was triggered. I could never live with that on a daily basis and its only ever happened three times before in my entire life. Hence the high functioning....but I'm beginning to wonder what it would be like to go through life without having to watch triggers, stimulation and trying to cope in a world that I do not understand nor does it understand me. Hubby tries but I can see it some days, the strain it puts on him.
She also explained to me that Bipolar is in the central nervous system and not necessarily the brain. When an overload happens as such that morning, my brain shuts down and the nervous system takes over. I don't remember what happened, I just remember going upstairs, removing Patches from the room and shutting the door. My last sane thought was getting myself isolated so the dogs would be safe. My next sane thought was calling Hubby. I may not trust the man with the last six inches to be done but I trust that man whole heartedly when it comes to having to handle situations like the one I just described. And I trust what he says or thinks is best for me.
We still need to have a discussion. Its there and in the air but we aren't ready to face it yet. I don't know how to approach the subject. Hubby said to me not to long ago that we hadn't really done anything between us to deal with the Bipolar side of our marriage. We both live with it. I said at the time that we had made some changes. But I got thinking and realized he was right. His words that morning had triggered the episode, he knew as he had said to a friend that he thought he triggered it. As wonderful as the man is, he also has a little bit of baggage that rears up once in a while. Unfortunately that morning had been the straw that broke the proverbial camel's back and I snapped. Literally and physically. So once again we are redefining things.
Everybody who is in my life on a daily and social basis is exposed to my mental illness. I'm very lucky to have these people in my life. Some days are harder than others, but then that's why I love my garden. Its my spot that I can escape into and forget there is a world I have to cope in. Its very lonely at times because others don't understand I can't deal with things like I used to. Its not that I don't care, because I do, its just that one thing more that at the moment my brain can't deal with. In my thirties, I would try to deal with it then get mad and bitchy when I couldn't. I was very unhappy back then. At least now, I don't feel like I'm wearing a mask and trying to live up to how people saw me. I can't be bothered now. Its kind of a take me as I am attitude. Some days I can be there for you, other days I haven't got a clue as to how to cope with a dustbunny.
What has not been helping the past two days is the haze of smoke that the winds have brought us from our neighboring province B.C. (British Columbia). Yesterday I was watching it billow and roll off the rooftops. Its blocked the sun so the days are cooling and there doesn't seem to be any rain in sight to clear it away. Its like walking around in a burning mist that moves slowly through air. The moon was blood red and the sun hitting the ground is a fiery orange. It made for a very disorienting day. Even the dogs were off kilter.
Speaking of which, I should get my butt out the door and poop scoop. Its the glamorous side of six dogs.
My garden has taken off and this year I will finally get produce. We have been munching on snap peas and lettuce. My potato hills are looking more like mountains. Every time I commented to Mom on my potatoes at the various stages, she would respond "Just keep hilling." I have no more dirt to hill with so I gave up and decided to just weed the terrain rather that keeping stealing dirt from other locations. The beets are getting bigger and my tomato plants actually have tomatoes on them. Not just one or two like last year, this year there is lots and they are a good size. My corn even looks like I might get an ear or two. Its a little more satisfying when looking out on to it. I would have pictures but, there was a little episode one morning that involved me, a room with a closed door and my determination to destroy everything within sight. It didn't last long but long enough there was a few things lost. My camera was one of them.
My therapist explained that it was my Bipolar kicking in and some people go through that on a daily basis. For me it was a total overload of emotions that was triggered. I could never live with that on a daily basis and its only ever happened three times before in my entire life. Hence the high functioning....but I'm beginning to wonder what it would be like to go through life without having to watch triggers, stimulation and trying to cope in a world that I do not understand nor does it understand me. Hubby tries but I can see it some days, the strain it puts on him.
She also explained to me that Bipolar is in the central nervous system and not necessarily the brain. When an overload happens as such that morning, my brain shuts down and the nervous system takes over. I don't remember what happened, I just remember going upstairs, removing Patches from the room and shutting the door. My last sane thought was getting myself isolated so the dogs would be safe. My next sane thought was calling Hubby. I may not trust the man with the last six inches to be done but I trust that man whole heartedly when it comes to having to handle situations like the one I just described. And I trust what he says or thinks is best for me.
We still need to have a discussion. Its there and in the air but we aren't ready to face it yet. I don't know how to approach the subject. Hubby said to me not to long ago that we hadn't really done anything between us to deal with the Bipolar side of our marriage. We both live with it. I said at the time that we had made some changes. But I got thinking and realized he was right. His words that morning had triggered the episode, he knew as he had said to a friend that he thought he triggered it. As wonderful as the man is, he also has a little bit of baggage that rears up once in a while. Unfortunately that morning had been the straw that broke the proverbial camel's back and I snapped. Literally and physically. So once again we are redefining things.
Everybody who is in my life on a daily and social basis is exposed to my mental illness. I'm very lucky to have these people in my life. Some days are harder than others, but then that's why I love my garden. Its my spot that I can escape into and forget there is a world I have to cope in. Its very lonely at times because others don't understand I can't deal with things like I used to. Its not that I don't care, because I do, its just that one thing more that at the moment my brain can't deal with. In my thirties, I would try to deal with it then get mad and bitchy when I couldn't. I was very unhappy back then. At least now, I don't feel like I'm wearing a mask and trying to live up to how people saw me. I can't be bothered now. Its kind of a take me as I am attitude. Some days I can be there for you, other days I haven't got a clue as to how to cope with a dustbunny.
What has not been helping the past two days is the haze of smoke that the winds have brought us from our neighboring province B.C. (British Columbia). Yesterday I was watching it billow and roll off the rooftops. Its blocked the sun so the days are cooling and there doesn't seem to be any rain in sight to clear it away. Its like walking around in a burning mist that moves slowly through air. The moon was blood red and the sun hitting the ground is a fiery orange. It made for a very disorienting day. Even the dogs were off kilter.
Speaking of which, I should get my butt out the door and poop scoop. Its the glamorous side of six dogs.
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Breaking the Block
I guess it's been noticeable that I haven't updated the blog lately. Gardening, housework, visitors, and the theatre have been my life as of late. But there is also the writer's block thing happening again. I sit down in front of the screen to write but its like trying move a brick wall out of your sight. Its just not happening. Could be I'm just to preoccupied with everything else to be able to concentrate on the writing.
It pouring buckets outside which really doesn't inspire any creative thoughts and the fly buzzing around here is going to meet with a shoe in a bit if it doesn't go find a window soon. Then there is the fact that the dogs are really protesting against going outside. Six dogs and this is my daily schedule on a not so wet day. My mother has the sign but I've added to it:
Let dogs out
Let dog in
Let two in
Let dogs in
Let dog out
Let dog out
Let dogs in
Let dogs out
etc...
So you can see, I'm really not needing any cardiac exercises with the jumping up and down all day. It would also be noteworthy to say here its not the best for focusing either.
We did have a few lovely hot fish pond days but it was to hot to think those days. That is when I hide under the canopy of our maple trees and melt. Daught brought her new fellow over on one of those nights. He has the most genuine smile of anybody I have ever met and smiles so easily. He laughs easily and seems very playful. Definitely a refreshing change from the last few. The dogs loved him and even Buster who gave a growl when he entered the house. But then a strange male with Buster's girl is call for letting him know that Buster is watching him.
Hubby's banging on the roof this past week hasn't helped with trying to focus on my story. He has to replace the shingles on the roof. It's almost done. The last six inches needs to be finished and according to Hubby will be once the rain has stopped. So we will wait and see. Artist thinks he will because it is something that has to be done...well...I'm still in wait and see mode.
Hubby also bought a new tent. We had been looking for a new one as I wanted something with more room as we have six dogs. So we are now the proud owners of a thirteen man, four room tent. This is not a quick set up so where ever we take it, we are planting our butts down and not moving for five days. Apparently in two days we are going fishing. Okay so I'm not but GB and Hubby are going to give it a whirl. Miss S and I will be back at the campsite hopefully lounging. I have assured the kids they do not have to help with the dogs as the four old ones will know what the trip is all about to help reassure the two Beagles. (I hope)(I pray)
I'm bringing a camera. I figure I should be able to get some good shots of Camping Hell. At least its a total break from Solar Hell for a bit.
As it is still a shower outside I think I will concentrate on my next chapter for a bit. Its seems the block has been lifted for the moment and I must take advantage.
It pouring buckets outside which really doesn't inspire any creative thoughts and the fly buzzing around here is going to meet with a shoe in a bit if it doesn't go find a window soon. Then there is the fact that the dogs are really protesting against going outside. Six dogs and this is my daily schedule on a not so wet day. My mother has the sign but I've added to it:
Let dogs out
Let dog in
Let two in
Let dogs in
Let dog out
Let dog out
Let dogs in
Let dogs out
etc...
So you can see, I'm really not needing any cardiac exercises with the jumping up and down all day. It would also be noteworthy to say here its not the best for focusing either.
We did have a few lovely hot fish pond days but it was to hot to think those days. That is when I hide under the canopy of our maple trees and melt. Daught brought her new fellow over on one of those nights. He has the most genuine smile of anybody I have ever met and smiles so easily. He laughs easily and seems very playful. Definitely a refreshing change from the last few. The dogs loved him and even Buster who gave a growl when he entered the house. But then a strange male with Buster's girl is call for letting him know that Buster is watching him.
Hubby's banging on the roof this past week hasn't helped with trying to focus on my story. He has to replace the shingles on the roof. It's almost done. The last six inches needs to be finished and according to Hubby will be once the rain has stopped. So we will wait and see. Artist thinks he will because it is something that has to be done...well...I'm still in wait and see mode.
Hubby also bought a new tent. We had been looking for a new one as I wanted something with more room as we have six dogs. So we are now the proud owners of a thirteen man, four room tent. This is not a quick set up so where ever we take it, we are planting our butts down and not moving for five days. Apparently in two days we are going fishing. Okay so I'm not but GB and Hubby are going to give it a whirl. Miss S and I will be back at the campsite hopefully lounging. I have assured the kids they do not have to help with the dogs as the four old ones will know what the trip is all about to help reassure the two Beagles. (I hope)(I pray)
I'm bringing a camera. I figure I should be able to get some good shots of Camping Hell. At least its a total break from Solar Hell for a bit.
As it is still a shower outside I think I will concentrate on my next chapter for a bit. Its seems the block has been lifted for the moment and I must take advantage.
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