Thoughts

It's been a while since my last post. Things have been up and down lately. I'm back on the tumultuous waters of my emotions and its been pretty hard to surf the waves. I think my surf board is unbalanced but then everything as of late has been. My therapist keeps reminding me how far I have come. Some days it just doesn't feel like it.

I can't get angry like a normal person. Now how a normal person gets angry I have no idea but its safe to say its not like me. When I get angry now I have to go through a mental check list in my head to see if its warranted. While this happens I start to shake, then I start to peel back and make sure my anger has not been triggered by some underlining cause. I have a two minute delay while I try to absorb things. Its the mis-firing of the brain that causes problems in this scenario because the thought waves are jumping from one thing to another, now this is all in conjunction with figuring out if this is something that has been triggered. As you can see this is all very confusing and to go through it, its even more so.

For example, I was in a situation on holidays, that if I complained to my husband about the situation, I would have been accused of "Going Bipolar", but as I sat there, I realised that I did not have to listen to a vulgar conversation by an employee of the restaurant while I waited for my dinner. It took a minute or two for me to figure out, but then I excused myself from the table and I complained to the owner of the establishment. Afterwards I felt better because the situation had been resolved and there were not any other triggers involved. I still shook like a drink mixer but that is par for the course. If the owner had dismissed me it would have lead to underlining triggers that would have exploded and then Hubby could have accused me of going "Bipolar".

Hubby tries to understand. But I think some days he has Bipolar mixed up with retarded. Please excuse the phrase but it is apt in this scenario. For some reason he needs to reach out and grab things from me while I am in the middle of changing or fixing it. He for some reason will not wait until I have asked or handed it to him. I don't get it, but then I am supposed to be able to wrap my mind around mortgage and bank rates with accrued interest. Yeah...okay...So some days, like I said are a little rougher than others. Actually its more like some minutes are better than others 'cause in my world its a guess either way as to what I will be feeling like at two in the afternoon.

On the other hand it can't be easy for him never knowing what he is coming home to or what is going to pick up the phone when he calls. Most days he lucks out with the gamble, but every once in a while he gets the "Bipolar Bitch" or the "Weepy Whiner" either on is not good. Usually the "BB" is frustrated with something and is trying to control it. The "WW" is where the frustration is overwhelming and can't be coped with. One is manic, the other depressive. I have no middle ground. Which is why as you can see some people opt for the meds to help find and stay on that middle ground.

On the other hand, life would be far more boring for Hubby and I did promise him, he would never be bored with me.