I need to sort out thoughts and put them some where and in my journal just isn't satisfying enough. The kids I look after were away on vacation and I, to my surprise missed them. Yesterday they came by for a quick visit. Well, I was greeted with huge hugs. Did it ever make my day.
You see, when I was a mother of a young child as much as I tried to be a good mom, my mental illness started to take hold and right when it was most important I failed her because I was too intent on proving my mother and cousin wrong. Hence the mental illness part. Looking back it seems like I was a totally different person.
I was. Now I'm hangin' with two cool kids and I realize at this moment, what a cool kid I had of my own.... and I completely missed it. She has grown into an amazing young woman who is forging her own path and setting things on her terms within the family.
I also realize that we are the parents of adult children longer than we are the parents of a baby or five or fifteen year old. It's is more important now for the relationship to be stable. But it's when they are young that we build and establish the relationship.
My mother's mental illness raised us to be dependant on our parents as she was hers. That is not how I wanted my daughter to be. I wanted her to stand on her own to feet and manage her own affairs. But not in the manner I raised her either. I was following the footsteps but then my own mental illness started to take hold and she became the victim of it. She was not the only one.
My husband was a victim as well and so were the animals. I look back on the wake and cringe. But then everything changed after the breakdown. I don't think like I used to. I'm trying to comprehend some the aspects of fundraising for the theatre but I have a hard time understanding the written outlines. I can't wrap my mind around some things and Hubby has a hard time with it. I feel broken at times, useless because I can't work out in the world and overwhelmed by it all.
Life is scary and I have a hard time meeting just the simplest of challenges. And then my daughter shows up. She reminds me that I met the hardest challenge of all, and that I am not that person anymore and that I am mentally healthier. She still needs me as a Mommy once in a while and those moments are precious.
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
Sunday, August 21, 2011
Sunday Coffee Break
Dudley, Buster and GiGi. aKa-The Beagle Bunch
And Dudley make three! Dudley came to us a couple of weeks ago. I guess with losing Winston and then Patches, the Fates decided that we needed another older dog to keep the balance. Dudley is nine years old and needed GiGi and Buster. They have been helping him get in touch with his inner Beagleness as Hubby and I try to break all his good habits. And that is a mole on Dudley's face which we are going to have removed. Our livestyle is becoming very active and we don't want to take a chance at something catching it. Three Beagles and two Chihuahua's are the proud owners of us. They make for a very cohesive group.
As I mentioned earlier our lifestyle has taken a dramatic turn. As the lack of blogs suggest, we haven't been around the computers or tv lately. We are completely outfitted for camping to the point of where we are a complete self-contained little camping unit, (pics to come next blog because I can't find them anywhere and I know we have them) down to the solar shower unit. I can't wait until we go next. I have to admit, the tent trailer for as old as it is (1972) has to be the most comfortable thing to sleep in. It may sound rather silly but when we have the entire thing set up with the camp kitchen and camping stove/oven out front, it feel very luxurious. The best thing is the dogs love it. We will find out about Dudley.
The cool thing about the solar shower is really worked. Hot steaming water came out of this little black bag. We now have two of them. I want one for the dishes and washing up. Hubby is now rethinking the whole solar hot water system on the house now. I love the curves on the Road to Solar Hell, it makes the trip a whole lot more interesting.
My garden is suffering from the lack of attention. I was in a war with the ants and losing until I bought ant killer. Screw the home made crap, I was in a battle to the death and they were winning. It went from a little tiny ant hill to a city inside of a week. I was losing plants left and right. I felt like General Patton going win with both guns loaded once I had the ant killer in my hands. Now the weeds are laughing at me as I pull them back from my chives. We have had a good mix of sun and rain this year which definitely bolstered my garden. Bolstered, Hell, bolting is more the word.
We have discovered I can not go without the fish pond. It happens to be essential to my mental health. Hubby was set back a bit by a pond pump giving out which also set back getting the pond running. I was heading straight and hard into mania and I couldn't pull the brakes. Until I realized the lack of the fish pond wasn't helping. I sat for three days in between the rain by the pond getting my fill.
I've returned to my artwork to help curb the mania. I'm not sure what we are going to do this winter but something has to be set up. Its a massage for the eyes and ears out by the pond. I really have to watch the amount of stimulation.
Which is why I'm thinking of limiting my exposure to the theatre. I'm thinking of shifting my focus entirely on the management end of things to get us up and running. As much as the plays are fun, if we have no where to perform then as a troop we are screwed.
I also realize that my writing suffers and that is frustrating. I have three stories lined up and because of obligations and planning I have to keep setting it aside. So tonight at the meeting I'm explaining that I am setting up a studio/office and I will only be available evenings and weekends. And if I were my boss, I'd probably fire my ass as I am not taking my talents a bit more seriously. If I want a book published then I had better start taking my writing a lot more seriously.
I'm looking forward to it.
Friday, July 22, 2011
Life's been fun lately.
It's already the middle of summer and I haven't sat by the fish pond once. Why? The fish are still in the basement. Oh well, but to compensate we have been camping. I tried to get the pics for the blog but my puter's having issues.
Last year we bought the tent trailer. This year we bought a camping two burner range. The little oven works like a charm. It has to be regulated like an old wood stove with venting to keep the temp even and I discovered that cast iron works way better to help with the control. We already had the double sink camp kitchen unit. We also added a little tent biffy that can hold my port-a -pottie (the bladder ain't what it used to be) and our solar water shower, another new addition. (I'm getting to that part of the story). With the outdoor/indoor carpet for under the canopy of the tent trailer, we have a nice little set up. Of course it only takes eight hours to set up. Okay that may be a wee bit of an exaggeration. It does however make for very nice camping.
I made the mistake of mentioning to my parents that we were going camping. The bug bit my father. Big time. He loves to travel and retiring means they can't afford to travel the way they used to. My mother is nervous of traveling because of her health. A truck and trailer solved the problem. So along I went to help them spend my sister's part of our inheritance. (She doesn't read this so she won't know until much much later.) I was teasing them saying that all we needed was the solar water shower and we would be a self-contained unit...
Hubby bought the solar shower. And we are now a self-contained camping unit if we need to be. But the joke is more or less on me. You see, the water from the solar shower was steaming hot after sitting in the sun for three hours. And when I saw the steaming hot water I was forced to admit that the road to solar hell was not such a bad idea. Now Hubby, on the other hand is rethinking the way he is doing the solar water heater for the house.
Even though the joke was on me, I got the last laugh. Sitting in our backyard are ten deep cell batteries that belong to my father. He has decided he wants to put his garage on solar power. Hubby is helping my dad and its kinda cool to see. There has been such a rift for so long that I was never sure it was going to heal. The Road to Solar Hell seems to have bridged the gap a little.
Of course, I'm still giggling at my mother. She hasn't a clue of what is going to hit her. But I very warmly welcomed her to the Road to Solar Hell and did explain that there is no turn off or pee breaks. I thought I would leave the wind tunnel and magnetic fields as a surprise stop along the road. Why spoil all the fun at once.
I will say this, all because of a little five gallon black bladder with a spout, I am happily on the Road to Solar Hell...but I still retain the right to bitch and complain about the lack of turn offs and pee breaks. (Its written in the fine print of our marriage that I can retain all bitching and complaining rights. His right is to give the cause of said bitching rights)
Last year we bought the tent trailer. This year we bought a camping two burner range. The little oven works like a charm. It has to be regulated like an old wood stove with venting to keep the temp even and I discovered that cast iron works way better to help with the control. We already had the double sink camp kitchen unit. We also added a little tent biffy that can hold my port-a -pottie (the bladder ain't what it used to be) and our solar water shower, another new addition. (I'm getting to that part of the story). With the outdoor/indoor carpet for under the canopy of the tent trailer, we have a nice little set up. Of course it only takes eight hours to set up. Okay that may be a wee bit of an exaggeration. It does however make for very nice camping.
I made the mistake of mentioning to my parents that we were going camping. The bug bit my father. Big time. He loves to travel and retiring means they can't afford to travel the way they used to. My mother is nervous of traveling because of her health. A truck and trailer solved the problem. So along I went to help them spend my sister's part of our inheritance. (She doesn't read this so she won't know until much much later.) I was teasing them saying that all we needed was the solar water shower and we would be a self-contained unit...
Hubby bought the solar shower. And we are now a self-contained camping unit if we need to be. But the joke is more or less on me. You see, the water from the solar shower was steaming hot after sitting in the sun for three hours. And when I saw the steaming hot water I was forced to admit that the road to solar hell was not such a bad idea. Now Hubby, on the other hand is rethinking the way he is doing the solar water heater for the house.
Even though the joke was on me, I got the last laugh. Sitting in our backyard are ten deep cell batteries that belong to my father. He has decided he wants to put his garage on solar power. Hubby is helping my dad and its kinda cool to see. There has been such a rift for so long that I was never sure it was going to heal. The Road to Solar Hell seems to have bridged the gap a little.
Of course, I'm still giggling at my mother. She hasn't a clue of what is going to hit her. But I very warmly welcomed her to the Road to Solar Hell and did explain that there is no turn off or pee breaks. I thought I would leave the wind tunnel and magnetic fields as a surprise stop along the road. Why spoil all the fun at once.
I will say this, all because of a little five gallon black bladder with a spout, I am happily on the Road to Solar Hell...but I still retain the right to bitch and complain about the lack of turn offs and pee breaks. (Its written in the fine print of our marriage that I can retain all bitching and complaining rights. His right is to give the cause of said bitching rights)
***
On a completely different note, I have been at war with the ants and losing. I've tried all the home/green/eco/organic ways to get rid of the little invaders. After losing two strawberry plants I got angry. I couldn't even enjoy my garden they had taken over so much.
I got mad and started pouring boiling water all over the nest then called Hubby, I needed reinforcement and I needed the big guns. He brought home ant killer...two kinds...
I entered my garden like a lone soldier on a mission to save his home turf. I sprayed, they tried to run but I was faster. I won the battle.
Now to win the war.
Sunday, June 05, 2011
Finally a quiet moment...
Wow, its been a month since I've blogged. Time goes so fast these days that I lose half the day in an hour. Its been an interesting month to say the least but things are a now down to a dull roar.
Things with the theatre so far are going according to my business plan. Our group got a little stagnant and things went awry as per the usual when its a group of three or more. So as Pres, I had to take a look at where we wanted to be and how the hell were we going to get there. I have never relied on so much of my pulp mill experience as I have had to these last two months. So I studied the numbers, the people, the club and our original goals. After the panic attack and anxiety attack settled I realised that our cozy little club was in a do or die situation and that if everything came crashing down I would be the one having to answer to everybody. Everybody else gets to walk away, I on the other hand have to talk to the creditors and what ever else that will want our blood. So hence the attacks.
After a little soul searching and a much needed therapy appointment I dived into cave and didn't emerge until I came out with a plan. I used my Dad as my example of when he was pulp mill manager and boy to I understand a lot more of what he went through. (And what I put him through) I think the idea of a business plan and a path as to how we can get there gave some modicum of comfort. And instead of listening to other people, I'm listening to my gut to forge ahead.
I finally got my garden planted. Its much different this year as I added a red currant bush and a saskatoon bush in it. A friend from down the street gave me her rasberry suckers and I have them along the back of the fence. (If I ever get pics I'll put them on) I planted potatoes, peas, carrots, beets, swiss chard and tomatoes. I added a couple of more strawberry plants and made the patch larger. Ran out of room for the peas so I tossed a couple of small rows in my flower bed. So long as GiGi quits helping me I might get a couple of peas.
I've been helping out a friend by looking after her two little girls. One is six who is full of vim and vinegar with a very creative imagination. Her sister is one and a half and is a little dolly. She reminds me of my daughter at the same age toddling around the house, only this little one is much happier. The old dogs are a little unsure of the situation. The Beagles are a different story. Buster loves the little one and GiGi prefers the six year old so it works out quite well for the both of them.
The road to Solar Hell has made a sharp curve into my garden. Hubby set up three rain barrels by the house to catch the rain and dug an hose undergound to my garden. There he has set up a battery connected to a solar panel that runs the pump which brings the rainwater to my hose to water the garden. Its a nice little system he set up I will admit but...is nothing sacred on the Road to Solar Hell? I'm afraid of what he will think of to improve the laundery line outside.
Hubby just came in all excited. Some where in town has solar panels on sale. Lucky me, I get to go for a shopping trip to look at solar panels. Will the fun and joy of it never end.
One last little note before I dash off this exciting excursion Hubby has planned for us, a story I wrote for Artist one Christmas called the Legacy of Longblades is going to be published. Artist gave me a challenge and it was to write a scene where a pirate ship disappears then reappears some where else. Hence the story of Cynthia Dell aka Madam Longblades came to be. I am really tickled about this one as its a historical fantasy short novella and a little different from my futuristic. (That one should be done this summer) I can't wait to see the artwork for it. Should be fun.
Well I guess its time to get back on the Road to Solar Hell as Hubby is patiently waiting for me.
I already miss my garden.
Things with the theatre so far are going according to my business plan. Our group got a little stagnant and things went awry as per the usual when its a group of three or more. So as Pres, I had to take a look at where we wanted to be and how the hell were we going to get there. I have never relied on so much of my pulp mill experience as I have had to these last two months. So I studied the numbers, the people, the club and our original goals. After the panic attack and anxiety attack settled I realised that our cozy little club was in a do or die situation and that if everything came crashing down I would be the one having to answer to everybody. Everybody else gets to walk away, I on the other hand have to talk to the creditors and what ever else that will want our blood. So hence the attacks.
After a little soul searching and a much needed therapy appointment I dived into cave and didn't emerge until I came out with a plan. I used my Dad as my example of when he was pulp mill manager and boy to I understand a lot more of what he went through. (And what I put him through) I think the idea of a business plan and a path as to how we can get there gave some modicum of comfort. And instead of listening to other people, I'm listening to my gut to forge ahead.
I finally got my garden planted. Its much different this year as I added a red currant bush and a saskatoon bush in it. A friend from down the street gave me her rasberry suckers and I have them along the back of the fence. (If I ever get pics I'll put them on) I planted potatoes, peas, carrots, beets, swiss chard and tomatoes. I added a couple of more strawberry plants and made the patch larger. Ran out of room for the peas so I tossed a couple of small rows in my flower bed. So long as GiGi quits helping me I might get a couple of peas.
I've been helping out a friend by looking after her two little girls. One is six who is full of vim and vinegar with a very creative imagination. Her sister is one and a half and is a little dolly. She reminds me of my daughter at the same age toddling around the house, only this little one is much happier. The old dogs are a little unsure of the situation. The Beagles are a different story. Buster loves the little one and GiGi prefers the six year old so it works out quite well for the both of them.
The road to Solar Hell has made a sharp curve into my garden. Hubby set up three rain barrels by the house to catch the rain and dug an hose undergound to my garden. There he has set up a battery connected to a solar panel that runs the pump which brings the rainwater to my hose to water the garden. Its a nice little system he set up I will admit but...is nothing sacred on the Road to Solar Hell? I'm afraid of what he will think of to improve the laundery line outside.
Hubby just came in all excited. Some where in town has solar panels on sale. Lucky me, I get to go for a shopping trip to look at solar panels. Will the fun and joy of it never end.
One last little note before I dash off this exciting excursion Hubby has planned for us, a story I wrote for Artist one Christmas called the Legacy of Longblades is going to be published. Artist gave me a challenge and it was to write a scene where a pirate ship disappears then reappears some where else. Hence the story of Cynthia Dell aka Madam Longblades came to be. I am really tickled about this one as its a historical fantasy short novella and a little different from my futuristic. (That one should be done this summer) I can't wait to see the artwork for it. Should be fun.
Well I guess its time to get back on the Road to Solar Hell as Hubby is patiently waiting for me.
I already miss my garden.
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