I have no idea where this is going but a friend does this and says it helps. She said "Its like an on line journal where you can channel thoughts and express your ideas to everyone and anyone and nobody listens to you cause there are others doing the same thing that would be more interesting." Somewhere in there I think my friend had a point. I said "I have nothing to say, that what? My existence with five dogs, a lazy cat and a fish named Pickles is going be significant to somebody else's life?"
Interestingly enough here I am. Its rather a surreal feeling as the dogs mill around my feet looking for some morsel of food to eat. The cats so lazy it just follows me around meaowing until I shove on top of the cupboard to eat because it won't jump. Oddly enough this seems normal. It becomes an arguement between my husband and I. Who's turn to put the cat up for the night.
Someone told me you could train a fish by the sound of your voice. I think it God's way of making you feel utterly stupid alone. Its bad enough when your husband catches you singing some eighties be bop song to the dog as when you are talking to a fish alone saying "Who'se the pretty fishy? Are you the pretty fishy?" And the neighbour's dog who barks at you through the window stops and cocks her head at you like your an idiot. And its even sadder that I tried it.
I once asked my mother if there was more to life than this. Her answer was "Nope, this is it." What can you do but just laugh. Here I was, the daughter asking her mother a question with limitless boundries for a deep meaningful conversation. What happens, I get "This is it." Yea, thanks Mom I feel so much better. My God, here's my life, cats, dogs, a fish, cooking, cleaning, kitty litter ect. Can it get any better than this? Strapped money, trying to cook organic, a dog I must cook for and a husband who doesn't like asparagus. Wow! I hit the jackpot. I must be the envy of every woman out there.
I do enjoy my life as dull as it is. I would describe our life as middle class. We have what would definitly be described as an older home. Our back yard has room for pool( Not that we could afford one.) and a pony? (Don't they poop?) We drive a nice older vehicle that could carry our five dogs, camping gear and tow a twenty foot trailer. (Not that we can afford one, we're the ones in the tent) Our daughter has just moved out and her best friend moved in. My husband is moving ahead with the company. I feel like frickin Donna Reed. I should be skipping along with my husband's slippers and pipe greeting him at the door. The only thing is, the high heels kill me, my figure doesn't nip in, it nips out, way out, and I can't be bothered.
We are in a good place right now. We are active in the community, we have good friends and family close by. Its like we've some how settled. We know this is the house that will be condemned after we retire and will forced to move. We know this is the area that we want to live in. We are landscaping the back yard. Okay let me rephrase that, we are playing in mud in backyard. Landscaping no? Gothic dead gardens with broken fountains, yes! I was asked if my one flower bed of poppies was a graveyard for the dead pets? I said, "That's where the lily of the valley is planted." Oddly enough this seemed normal?
But then again what is normal? Is my life normal? I sure as to hell hope so, cause I would be very afraid of what wasn't normal. I mean who controls what is normal? I've decided that my normal is a good normal. If someone had told during a peticularily (try sounding that word out) rough time of my life, I would live in a town that actually has signifcant history past 1969, in a great old house with tons of character (Our term for the previous idiots who owned the house's renovations) and being part of a community. That I would have a good solid marriage (Okay, once he is convinced of that it will be), a step-son who had made me a grandmother, a daughter who seeks out the depraved side of life and finds it interesting from the phsycological aspect, and a dog I am cooking for, (have I mentioned that one?) I would have sobbed for weeks and weeks.
Actually, I do have a great life. I like the fact that things feel right where they should be. My life is complete. Its like groovin with the now. What ever that means? My husband laughs at me because of the changes of I have made in my life. When he met me, I was more uptight, stressed, worried over things and generally feeling like I was going fifty different directions. Now, I try to do what I can to relax and enjoy things. I do what can and try not let what I can't eat at me and cause me to feel guilty. For years I carried the I should have done this or the why didn't I do that and beat myself up for things I did. I not only took the responsibility of what I did, I flogged myself. Every little thing that I did to make me wince when I looked back on it, a death by firing squad wasn't good enough.
I let go and man what trip. My husband didn't know what would be coming out of the kitchen. Some days I was chipper and nattering and other days is was the devil incarnate complete with the voice. "Supper!" was either known as a gourmet delight or a sacrifial victim to the demons of Hellspawn. Everynight my husband would eat supper, thank me, then run to the computer and create projects he needed to urgently do. Then I'd say something stupid like "I baked you cookies today." in my chipper manner. Oddly enough it seemed quite normal.
I bake organic cookies and make my own granola. How sad is that. Its all part of my trying to avoid processed foods. I also try to go organic and recently fair trade. I have been using stone ground flour in every measure possible. I use flax seed like its a food group all on its own. Even the freakin coffee is organic. Our friends are raising their eyebrows at us like we have gone bonkers. My husband says he'll worry when the beaded curtains go up. I search the internet and scour through my cook books looking for recipes with stone ground flour. I have four. I don't mean the bread. There are a gazillon recipes for stone ground flour bread. I have four for cookies, cakes, and muffins. But they're a really tasty four.
Yep, life is good.
