Sorting out thoughts

I need to sort out thoughts and put them some where and in my journal just isn't satisfying enough. The kids I look after were away on vacation and I, to my surprise missed them. Yesterday they came by for a quick visit. Well, I was greeted with huge hugs. Did it ever make my day.

You see, when I was a mother of a young child as much as I tried to be a good mom, my mental illness started to take hold and right when it was most important I failed her because I was too intent on proving my mother and cousin wrong. Hence the mental illness part. Looking back it seems like I was a totally different person.

I was. Now I'm hangin' with two cool kids and I realize at this moment, what a cool kid I had of my own.... and I completely missed it. She has grown into an amazing young woman who is forging her own path and setting things on her terms within the family.

I also realize that we are the parents of adult children longer than we are the parents of a baby or five or fifteen year old. It's is more important now for the relationship to be stable. But it's when they are young that we build and establish the relationship.

My mother's mental illness raised us to be dependant on our parents as she was hers. That is not how I wanted my daughter to be. I wanted her to stand on her own to feet and manage her own affairs. But not in the manner I raised her either. I was following the footsteps but then my own mental illness started to take hold and she became the victim of it. She was not the only one.

My husband was a victim as well and so were the animals. I look back on the wake and cringe. But then everything changed after the breakdown. I don't think like I used to. I'm trying to comprehend some the aspects of fundraising for the theatre but I have a hard time understanding the written outlines. I can't wrap my mind around some things and Hubby has a hard time with it. I feel broken at times, useless because I can't work out in the world and overwhelmed by it all.

Life is scary and I have a hard time meeting just the simplest of challenges. And then my daughter shows up. She reminds me that I met the hardest challenge of all, and that I am not that person anymore and that I am mentally healthier. She still needs me as a Mommy once in a while and those moments are precious.