Just getting stuff out of my head.

So last post we were heading out camping with our huge tent and the dogs. Well, the littlest one went into shake mode as the camping stuff came out. Another dog hid so we decided to take Winston (the Airedale) and the two beagles. It was a good weekend but not so much for Hubby. To sum things up...Hubby bought a 1972 tent trailer that is in great condition and very comfortable. And now he is much happier to go tenting. We took it out for a weekend and did nothing but just sit inside and look around enjoying the trailer. I will admit that it was much more comfortable than sleeping on the ground in a tent. Must be that age thing settling in.

My garden has taken off and this year I will finally get produce. We have been munching on snap peas and lettuce. My potato hills are looking more like mountains. Every time I commented to Mom on my potatoes at the various stages, she would respond "Just keep hilling." I have no more dirt to hill with so I gave up and decided to just weed the terrain rather that keeping stealing dirt from other locations. The beets are getting bigger and my tomato plants actually have tomatoes on them. Not just one or two like last year, this year there is lots and they are a good size. My corn even looks like I might get an ear or two. Its a little more satisfying when looking out on to it. I would have pictures but, there was a little episode one morning that involved me, a room with a closed door and my determination to destroy everything within sight. It didn't last long but long enough there was a few things lost. My camera was one of them.

My therapist explained that it was my Bipolar kicking in and some people go through that on a daily basis. For me it was a total overload of emotions that was triggered. I could never live with that on a daily basis and its only ever happened three times before in my entire life. Hence the high functioning....but I'm beginning to wonder what it would be like to go through life without having to watch triggers, stimulation and trying to cope in a world that I do not understand nor does it understand me. Hubby tries but I can see it some days, the strain it puts on him.

She also explained to me that Bipolar is in the central nervous system and not necessarily the brain. When an overload happens as such that morning, my brain shuts down and the nervous system takes over. I don't remember what happened, I just remember going upstairs, removing Patches from the room and shutting the door. My last sane thought was getting myself isolated so the dogs would be safe. My next sane thought was calling Hubby. I may not trust the man with the last six inches to be done but I trust that man whole heartedly when it comes to having to handle situations like the one I just described. And I trust what he says or thinks is best for me.

We still need to have a discussion. Its there and in the air but we aren't ready to face it yet. I don't know how to approach the subject. Hubby said to me not to long ago that we hadn't really done anything between us to deal with the Bipolar side of our marriage. We both live with it. I said at the time that we had made some changes. But I got thinking and realized he was right. His words that morning had triggered the episode, he knew as he had said to a friend that he thought he triggered it. As wonderful as the man is, he also has a little bit of baggage that rears up once in a while. Unfortunately that morning had been the straw that broke the proverbial camel's back and I snapped. Literally and physically. So once again we are redefining things.

Everybody who is in my life on a daily and social basis is exposed to my mental illness. I'm very lucky to have these people in my life. Some days are harder than others, but then that's why I love my garden. Its my spot that I can escape into and forget there is a world I have to cope in. Its very lonely at times because others don't understand I can't deal with things like I used to. Its not that I don't care, because I do, its just that one thing more that at the moment my brain can't deal with. In my thirties, I would try to deal with it then get mad and bitchy when I couldn't. I was very unhappy back then. At least now, I don't feel like I'm wearing a mask and trying to live up to how people saw me. I can't be bothered now. Its kind of a take me as I am attitude. Some days I can be there for you, other days I haven't got a clue as to how to cope with a dustbunny.

What has not been helping the past two days is the haze of smoke that the winds have brought us from our neighboring province B.C. (British Columbia). Yesterday I was watching it billow and roll off the rooftops. Its blocked the sun so the days are cooling and there doesn't seem to be any rain in sight to clear it away. Its like walking around in a burning mist that moves slowly through air. The moon was blood red and the sun hitting the ground is a fiery orange. It made for a very disorienting day. Even the dogs were off kilter.

Speaking of which, I should get my butt out the door and poop scoop. Its the glamorous side of six dogs.